Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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