john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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