I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
