It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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