man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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