You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize