I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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