is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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