Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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