I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
