Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
