if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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