I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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