sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
