she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
