I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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