The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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