I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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