allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
