I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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