i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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