on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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