youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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