dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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