My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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