Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
