Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
