fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
