I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just come out here and I will go home with you...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize