we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
