I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
