So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
