How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
