I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
