I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
