You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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