I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
