Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
