living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
