My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
this beer tastes like vomit already
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
