My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
