is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
