this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize