i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
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