he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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