Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
