you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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