things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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