everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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