uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
