Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
