I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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