I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
