Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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