You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
