Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
