Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
