If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I am midnight drunk by noon
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
