Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I am available for nakedness
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
