Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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