Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
