if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
