Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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