my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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