That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
