all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
