Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
