I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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