I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
