my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
