I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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