That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i think i just lost a toe
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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