Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
