So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
